Introduction (con't)

Over the next 5 years, I was taken advantage of by my bother. In return, I got cool stuff. I was selling myself at 5-10 years old????? Sick. Straight up sick. I'm still finding it hard to forgive my mama for not seeing what was happening. I mean, the pictures? the incident behind the trailer? Really? Nothing is wrong with that??? I just don't get it, and probably never will.

One day when I was about 7 or 8, my brother wanted to make my barbies have sex. I told him I didn't want to because Daddy used to touch me like that. He kind of freaked out and told his friends. His friend's girlfriend then told my mama. It was a HUGE deal. I had to start talking about it and showing what happened on weird dolls with private parts. I had to go to therapy. At therapy, if I talked about what happened, I got a special treat after. I didn't focus on what we talked about, so I don't know if it helped or not.

I was 10 and not in a very good mood. My brother was asking to do the "butt thing" again. I got tired of his nagging...I'll give you this, or I'll let you play this game.... ugh. Honestly, I was sick and tired of him doing it. I didn't like it, didn't enjoy it, and sure as hell didn't want to partake in it. I knew it was wrong. That much I had managed to figure out. I ran to tell my mama.

I was told he was going to a special school so he didn't have to go to DJJ. I was sitting in the bathtub when it hit how serious this was and how much trouble my brother was in. He left at age 15 and didn't come back until he was 17. He never touched me again but he was so different. It was like that placed seriously messed with his brain. He was so distant. I just wanted to talk or listen to music, but he didn't want to be around me. I was no longer cool. He and Mama got into a big fight and he moved out. That's when it hit me. The victim is always the one punished first. I had my brother taken away from me. He was my best friend, and I felt like if I would have kept my mouth shut, everything would be fine. It was my fault! My fault! Deep down, in my heart, I knew what he was doing was wrong. I knew I did the right thing. It was so hard. We had to drive 2 hrs to go see him every other weekend. Mama always acted mean towards me when we went. She was trying to make me feel like it was my fault. I think I continued to go to therapy, but I can't be sure.


Fast forward 3 years to 13. Mama was on crack and married to the crackhead who got her hooked. There was no food in the house. If it weren't for school lunches, I probably would've never eaten. I manage to somehow take care of myself and my dog, that the crackhead brought home. Her name was Mercedez and she became my best friend. I used to go spend the night with my mema every now then and one night when I did, all hell broke loose at home. I called my neighbor (we didn't even have a phone)so she could yell at my mom to come talk to me. She started freaking out then hangs up. I called back a little later and was finally able to talk to Mama. Her and Crackhead got into a fight. He broke her nose, but she almost bit his finger off. (GO MAMA!!!!)  She asked me to stay another night with Mema, but I wanted to go see my new cousin. My aunt had just had a baby 2 days before. So I went to her house.


I always loved going to her house. She made milkshakes with m&ms in them, watched cool movies with me, colored with me, played board games until 3am, oooo she was the best aunt ever!!! My uncle? Oh he was cool too. He had a computer, with internet! He had a nice car with A/C and played cool music. That night after my aunt laid the baby down, he decided to pounce. He talked about how he was a nurse and blah blah blah. I had mentioned earlier that my stomach had been hurting toward the left side. Well, he said he needed to check it out and make sure it was nothing serious. I knew what he was doing. I was an honor roll student, for goodness sake. I froze. I didn't know what to do. I laid down on the couch, like I was instructed and he inserted 2 fingers in me, pretending to do and exam. When it was over he gave me a shot of what he said was B12 and went to bed. He took me to school the next day, and I told my teacher.

Interviews, cops, drinks, bathroom breaks, interviews, cops, drink, bathroom breaks, over and over and over. I was so tired. I just wanted to go home and forget all. It didn't seem like a big deal. All he did was use his fingers. At least that was ALL! Yea, I had a sick mentality. To me, what he did was nothing compared to what I had already been through. Looking back now, I don't know why therapists didn't see it. How did they think I was a normal child?

I had to go to therapy after that for a few weeks. By this time, I had learned the art of manipulation. I told the therapist what she wanted to hear so I could get out of there. It worked!!!! I can't believe it worked. I just  completely played her. I was pretty impressed with myself. Sick right? Yea, I know. We were at one of those appointments and Mama walked up to the store to get a beer before my mema came to pick us up. While she was at the store she ran into an old friend and her boyfriend. They offered to take us home instead of Mema. A few days later Mama's friend's boyfriend is at our house. What???? Turns out they broke up because he fell in love with Mama. ugh groooosssss. Fine. Whatever. I don't want to see the PDA.

As it turns out, he was pretty cool too. He let me smoke cigarettes. He had money!!!(not much, $40k a yr) He took us out to eat at The Clock, he bought drinks and candy from the store. He even bought me some clothes!! This was pretty cool. I was stable, and he had just bought a brand new trailer for all of us to move into. He was so cool. He was the daddy I never had! Then......we got the flu. It started out with him seeing how high my rib bones went. He made a comment like, "you're gonna have big boobs" or something like that. Again, I just froze. I mean, my mama was in the bed too. She didn't say anything. SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!!!!!!! How? How is that right there, not a red flag pretty much thrown in your eyeball?? So the abuse went from that to me having sex with him so that I could get a car or go on a date with my boyfriend.



Sorry to leave you hanging...oh wait. lol. I don't have any followers yet. :) I have a sleepy toddler so con't later.