What Am I Doing??????

I want to make a change, but how? Where do I start? Who do I call? What do I need to do?

Tonight I got on FaceBook and looked at my notifications. My cousin, the daughter of the man who molested me, has shared a picture of my kids plus my two nieces on her wall, and has asked to be tagged in other pictures of my kids. Talk about holy panic mode. I deleted the picture, blocked my cousin and am now sitting here.....

My feelings about it? Betrayed, hurt, angry, and confused. Betrayed because how could she? That's not her right to steal my pics. It is not her right to claim me, my children, as family. Hurt because I know that sick perv has probably seen the pictures. I can't get the thought of him masturbating to them, out of my mind. (<<These are the type of things survivors face when they have kids....it's a whole 'nother experience. Worry for your children's sake.) Angry because I just want them to leave me alone. I don't call to check on them for a reason. I don't go to Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner. I have ZERO to do with them.....WHY bring me back into your screwed up little family again? Last but not least, confused. What's her motive? Has something happened to her and she's trying to reach out? I refuse to believe another innocent child was ripped of their innocence at his dirty paws......or do I?

I realize that I am probably over reacting on a little 12 yr old girl, but i can't help it. I guess a part of me still holds a grudge that he was never taken away from his kids. He got out of jail for molesting his own son and was sent back home with his other 2 kids. If he screwed with the first, what makes you think he's going to leave the others alone? He molested me, then his son.....It will never end.

I'm so emotionally crushed right now. With my cousin doing that little stunt, and my uncle dying and the drama that ensued that. Oh......my uncle. My dads's Uncle Furman. He had a stroke Friday and passed away Sunday morning. His receiving of friends was tonight and I missed it. Every time I went to try and get ready, the kids would freak out. Brock had to work over so there was no time for me to get ready and go when he got home. Guess who did go though...my mama. That's right....MY uncle Furman! Not hers! She wants to go up in there and brag about my kids, her grand kids, when she hardly has anything to do with them. She didn't go because she wanted to show respect. She went for the show, the attention she could get for herself and using my kids as the centerpiece. This happens EVERYWHERE we go, which is why I stopped going out places with her. So, yea, I'm upset I didn't get to attend my uncle's ceremony and my mama went in there with MY family. I can't have anything. I get a pair of shoes, she gets the same kind, get a camera, she gets the same kind, upgrade my phone, so did she. I can't even have my own family. She has to interfere and smear my name with hers on a side of the family that doesn't even concern her. They all know who I am, who my mother and father are. That's shame enough right there. I have had to build a image of myself. I've had to show these people, whom I love, that I am NOT my mother nor my father. I am ME, and they love me for who I turned out to be.....Nothing like my parents. I can't help but think how many people thought, "omg did she really show up?" Sounds cruel but this is MY blog. The one thing she can't copy or take from me are my words. Come hell or high water, or me dragging all 5 kids out in pjs, I will make an appearance at his funeral tomorrow.

So now that leads me back to my title. What am I doing? I'll tell ya, right now it feels like I'm falling apart. Every part of my being wants to fight the justice system so bad but every time I turn around, something comes up with the kids. I'm hoping when school starts back I will have more time to work on figuring this whole 'take the justice system down' thing.


This entry is full of rambling and I'm not even going to proofread. Honestly I'm too tired to care about if my words flow right, if my paragraphs are complete, etc. All that matters to me is now I feel better. I feel like a lot is off my chest.